How to be a party popper

1. A friend of mine called Simon, actually that’s not much help as 95% of my friends are called Simon, said this: ‘Someone has to be the best dressed person in the room. So why not let it be you?’ If you show up to a party your hostess will be delighted if you’ve made an effort.
2. Living in London, I inhabit the era of the worst dressed man. Now suits have gone, men don’t have a clue what to wear and rarely reach further than a sodding anorak, T-shirt and chinos. Women are way better dressed. So men, get some help or just stay in the back room of the pub with the other saddos. You’re going to a party: dress to impress, don’t dress like a mess.
3. Come prepared with a few scandalous anecdotes, it doesn’t matter if they’re true as long as they’re funny and above all short. Don’t bore on and above all don’t talk about work especially if you work in an office. If you work as a croupier in a casino or have just come off tour with the Rolling Stones, that’s another matter.
4. If you’re going to be interesting, you have to be interested in what other people are saying. So unless they’re total bores, sucking the oxygen out of the room, listen attentively to what the other person is telling you. This is obviously much easier to pull off if they are particularly attractive.
5. Try asking really personal questions, if people are a bit drunk you never know what you might hear. Alternatively, you may get a sock on the jaw. If someone’s on their own, go introduce yourself and talk to them. Oh and another thing, I’m a bit deaf so do speak up otherwise I’m not going to hear you – project darling!
6. Get involved. If there’s a dance floor – dance. If there’s a DJ ask for your favourite banger, but please no Queen or Led Zeppelin they’ll kill any party stone dead. If there’s karaoke don’t just sit there – sing! Well hold on, if you really can’t sing you might want to sit this one out and just be encouraging to those determined to knock out ‘I will survive’. The humour involved in an overweight rugby player shouting along to ‘Dancing Queen’ may have passed its sell by date.
7. Obviously drink a lot and do whatever other stuff fits your hectic lifestyle. You’re going to feel terrible in the morning but do remember the old Keith Richards dictum: ‘I’ve never turned blue in someone’s bathroom. I consider that to be the height of bad manners.’
8. It really is worth going to lots of parties and behaving outrageously. Don’t let your better self put you off. We’re all going to be as miserable as fuck in January, so now’s the time to put on the sparkly dress and heels, and girls feel free to do the same.

• christmas
• Parties